


Love the way you lie

by SouthernLolita



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cutting, Depression, Domestic Violence, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Pepper Potts, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has Issues, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-11 17:18:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7062154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthernLolita/pseuds/SouthernLolita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony never learned how to love, he learned how to control. He never learned moderation, he learned that enough booze can take the pain away. He didn't want to be this way, but he wasn't strong enough to break free.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (Prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> This was a requested work on another site and i'm just bringing it here, so please don't hate. Grammar and spelling may not be 100%, no beta don't want one. Let me know if you would like to see more.

** **

**“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts**  
**Just gonna stand there and hear me cry. But that's alright, because I love the way you lie….**  
**I love the way you lie”**  
  
They say children are like little sponges, they soak up everything in their environment. Mental health professionals often point to a person’s childhood experiences as key factors in their adult behaviors.  
  
It’s no wonder Tony Stark turned out the way he did.  
  
Little Anthony learned many things from his father, and many things he didn’t learn. He took after the man’s intellect, his charm, his thirst for knowledge.  He also learned how to down a bottle of scotch before breakfast; how to function on less than five hours sleep in three days; and how to lie to someone’s face. Howard never taught his son how to treat others, especially those you claim to love.  
  
Tony repressed those painful memories of the man the world idolize. He locked away the sounds of his mother screaming, crying, pleading with his father. The tremble in her sweetly accented words when Maria would beg Howard to stop hurting her.  
  
He never thought it was wrong, he thought everyone’s daddies were like that. Uncle Obie never said anything about it. Aunt Peggy would come over and have hushed angry conversations with his daddy; she would spell out the bad words. Then she would help Maria put ice on her eye. His Mommy would never leave though. This was her home, it was their home, and she just had to behave better. That’s what Tony thought anyway - his daddy only punished bad behavior.  
  
Even when Tony was older and soon became the shared focus of Howard’s drunken rages. It was just how things were; the old man was just like that.  Tony stopped crying then - tears just made it worse.  
  
_“DRY IT UP BOY! WHAT ARE YOU A LITTLE QUEER!”_ his father would yell.  
  
Tony never cried after that.  
  
Howard taught his son a great many things; how to take a punch (and how to throw one); how to control people (by finding someone weak), and how to get away with it all.  
  



	2. I can’t tell you what it really is…

**“ I can only tell you what it feels like. And right now, there's a steel knife, in my windpipe**  
 **I can't breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight. As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight. High off of love drunk from my hate. It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer, I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown. He resuscitates me, He fucking hates me,**  
 **And I love it,”**  
  
Steve was hooked from the first time he met Tony.

  
The man was like a magnet, like the moon to the sea. Stark had that charming kind of smile that could beguile anyone he aimed it at. He was disarming in his charm, coating every word with ease and turning phrases like wind dancing among chimes.  
  
Tony was music and light, he was everything shining and it was easy to believe because Tony made you want to believe. Made you want to buy ocean front property in Arizona.   
  
He could have started his own religion.   
  
 Tony saw exactly what he was looking for in Steve, someone who had nothing.  Someone he could be everything to, it was intoxicating to be needed that much. 

* * *

  
The younger man worked in Stark Industries Art Department; they met at a company gala. (Pepper had forced Tony to go.)  
  
 In truth, Stark had been trying to groom the strong woman, trying to make her into what he needed. To slowly break her down… it wasn’t working. Pepper Potts had an uncanny ability to see right through all of his charm and bullshit. She wasn’t swayed by his name or his money, he couldn’t feed her a line and promise her the world - she knew the kind of world he really lived in. She knew because she had been the one to sign him into rehab or out of jail, been the one to fight with PR to keep him in at least a semi respectable light. Pepper knew what was under all that gilding and while she loved Tony in his own fucked up way, she could never be the love he craved.   
  
Steve was different though, he had been a poor kid from Brooklyn with no living family. He worked his way through school and fought his way to having something better. However, through all that hard work and determination Steve was alone. Sure, he had close friends but they had their own lives, and Steve saw himself as a burden. He was the kind of man that had so much good inside of him but too much baggage had weighted him down. Steve had been wounded in ways, held jealousy in his heart for what he couldn’t have. Rogers thought he hid that face well, but not well enough.  
  
A predator can always smell blood.   
  
When Tony spotted the awkward looking young man from across the room, he saw something he could take. Something that only he could have, because no one else would want it.  Steve was perfect, the way the slender man stood next to the wall sipping a too sweet cocktail that had stained his pouty lips a pretty red. Those lips easily had potential, that slender body had potential, but was really sealed it were those eyes. Storms of blue and gray, something so perfectly hurt and guarded. Someone who needed more than money or fame, eyes that just wanted time.  

* * *

  
  
“Who’s that?”   
  
Pepper looked over with a thoughtful smile, almost sad like she’d seen a wounded animal. “Oh, that’s Steve Rogers; he’s from the Art department. Sweet guy, kinda shy.”   
  
Tony repeated the name and found he liked the way it rolled off his tongue.   
  
“Tony…whatever you’re thinking no.”   
  
The billionaire raised his eyebrows. “What, I was just going to introduce myself? Don’t you trust me Pep?” He gave a winning smile, knowing Pepper could see the wolf beneath the grin.  “You always say I need to make better friends.”  
  
Potts shook her head, chancing another glance in Rogers’ direction. “He’s not like those gold digging models we can throw money at when you do something stupid. He’s a good man Tony; maybe you do need a friend like that, but for once…just be nice.”  
  
“I’m always nice, I sign his checks.” 

* * *

  
Steve was a goner from the word ‘hello’. He was drawn in by those big brown eyes and wit. True to his word, Tony hadn’t even come on strong.  
  
“You don’t seem like you’re enjoying the party.”   
  
Steve looked up and felt the heat crawl up his neck, the man before him looked impeccable. Stylish in a perfectly tailored suit complete with bowtie. It made Steve feel a little shabby in his off the rack garb that hung  off his narrow shoulders.   
  
“I don’t really go to parties often, but it was a company event. Thought it would be rude not to.”   
  
A tan slightly callused hand shot out, “Names Tony.”   
  
The mans grip was solid but not to forceful, like he was purposefully being gentle as he shook hands. “Steve, Art Department, you?”  
  
Tony smirked and leaned on the wall next to him, “R&D, I guess you could say. So Steve, it seems to me that you are not a fan of …whatever that neon monstrosity is that you’re drinking. Not that I blame you, look so much like something I’d pour in a car. Honestly I could take or leave all this.” he said gesturing around at the merriment.  “How about you and I go get a real drink, promise I won’t tell if you won’t, and you can tell me all about the Art department.”  
  
“You don’t seem like you’re into art.” Steve countered, flattered by the attention. Was this a pick up? Probably, not anyone would really try to pick him up. This Tony guy was probably just as bored as he was.   
  
His new friend in the nice suit shrugged, “I have a few pieces, picked out for me by a friend mostly. I can appreciate something though. I like technical drawings, blueprints, maps they tell you more than a basket of fruit.”  
  
Steve found himself laughing, “Yeah you’re right. Although, I think there are some artist capable of telling stories without explicit directions.”  
  
“So, Steve from the Art department. How about that drink?”  
  
“Love to.”

* * *

  
From that first meeting, it was months of impromptu visits to Steve’s office and morning coffee. Roger’s had been a little embarrassed when he found out that ‘Tony who was kinda from R&D’ was  actually Tony Stark - owner of the whole building. Still he took it in stride; Tony seemed pleasantly down to earth. Nothing at all like the tabloids had said.  
  
 They had shared lunches in the company café on occasion and invitations down to Tony’s workshop on others.    
  
Tony seemed so interesting and bright, Steve found himself so taken with his new friend. Filling up private sketchbooks of the brunettes face. Steve never thought he had a chance though, he didn’t even think the infamous playboy was interested in men -despite what gossip blogs might day. It wasn’t as if Steve had seen any thing to suggest anything about that was true.   
  
That’s exactly what Tony wanted.   
  
Stark made it a point to parade beautiful arm candy in front of Steve, reading the slight slump in the mans shoulders as he kindly introduced himself. The way the light in Steve’s blue eyes would dim just a bit. He wanted Steve to know he could have anyone he wanted - that way when he wanted him, it would be special.   
  
After a few beautiful women, Tony ‘accidentally’ forgot about Steve coming for lunch and the younger man walked in on the billionaire and a half-naked male model.   
  
The blush on Steve’s face was perfection.   
  
Rogers would go home to his apartment and look in the mirror, disappointment written all over his face as he traced his ribs. “Even if he dose swing both ways…he wouldn’t swing my way.”   
  
Tony had Steve right were he wanted him, this was a long game and it was going to be worth it. Because Pepper was right, Steve wasn’t like anyone else.  He was kind and good; he was funny and smart, all the things Tony couldn’t find in anyone who would want him back. Anthony Stark was damaged goods, he had all the bells and whistles but he was broken inside. Tony knew that about himself, he hoped that Steve would somehow be that good part that he needed. Like switching out a blown fuse - something to bring back the life.   
  
There was a certain amount of substance in Steve’s personality, a certain integrity and unflappable honesty. It made Tony think of his mother. That’s what he wanted. Someone who would never leave.   
  
  



	3. Wait! Where you going.

**“I’m leaving you. No you ain't, come back! We're running right back, here we go again.**  
 **It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great. I'm Ironman, with the wind at his back, He's Cap… But when it's bad, it's awful, I feel so ashamed, I snapped, who's that dude**?  
 **I don't even know his name; I laid hands on him…. I'll never stoop so low again; I guess I don't know my own strength…”**  
  
It worked; of course, it did, when you’re Tony Stark people do not say no.   
  
Steve had been surprised by their first kiss, they had been in the workshop and Tony was explaining the inter-workings of a new Stark phone. They were joking and then…it just happened.   
  
It was a lull in their conversation and Steve was leaning forward on the workbench, trying to get a better look at the intricate tech.Tony looked up at him and they both just breathed. Part of Steve realized how close they were to each other but before he could pull away…  
  
Tony’s hands were cradling his face, their lips were pressed together and Steve’s own hands were wound up in the engineer’s tank top. The taste of the older mans mouth- a linger of coffee and a sweet undertone of the frosted doughnuts Steve had brought for them, lingered on his tongue.  
  
“I’m sorry…if that was out of line I…” Tony started to apologize, it sounded so sincere.   
  
He wasn’t. This was the end game, the big finish and he wanted a moment so sweet and hallmark that Steve could look back on this and from then on and nothing he could do would ever be so awful to taint it. They would always have this. It wasn’t like with other ex’s where Tony had to take them on cruises or buy out islands -Steve would have seen right through it. This was just a Wednesday morning, just sunlight through the workshop windows, the scent of hazelnut coffee and krispy cream. It was agonizingly domestic and perfectly Steve Rogers. Playing it off shy and respectful was just the icing on the cake.   
  
He’d let the young artist stutter and blush and then …go in for the kill.  
  
Steve fell right into it.   
  
“No, no I …you …its fine it was …it was great.” Steve felt like he couldn’t breath and then he really couldn’t breath because Tony was and moving around the table. Those rough hands turned soft as silk when they grabbed his arms and pulled him in for another kiss.   
  
Their kisses were hungry and demanding, part of Steve’s brain just shorted out and another part was warning him. This wasn’t right, things like this didn’t happen to him.   
  
None of that mattered because he could feel Tony’s chest against his and his goatee tickling his neck. The older mans voice in his ear in a deep breathy confession “You’re so beautiful Steve, so good. I have wanted you so bad.”   
  
Steve had never been wanted, god he wanted to be wanted. “I want you too.” 

* * *

  
That was how Steve Rogers found himself in the penthouse of Stark tower a week later. All of his belongs (meager as they were) moved in. Tony had asked him / demanded, Steve wasn’t even sure he said yes. All he knew is Tony asked and Steve said he’d ‘like that’, then he went home and found a movers packing up his apartment. There was no way Tony could have known he’d say yes, this all felt like it was going to fast.   
  
Steve kept telling himself that they had been friends for almost six months before…well before they became more. In a way, this was the most substantial relationship Steve had to date. Steve wanted to believe that this was just Tony’s way, Happy said that, Pepper said that. He wanted to believe them.   
  
He settled into this fairytale thinking that there was no way he deserved this. Tony was attentive and giving, funny and smart. Steve felt guilty for questioning the man he loved.   
  
He should be grateful, even if it didn’t last. He could remember this, he’d have that when he had nothing. _‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’_ that was what the playwrights said.

* * *

  
It was a month before Tony hit him.   
  
Thirty wonderfully blissful days of, weekend lay-ins and long nights spent tangled up in the bed sheets. Thirty days of feeling so loved and cherished. He would look back on this and realize other things.  
  
Thirty days of Tony slowly reworking his wardrobe, booking him appointments with hairdressers and throwing out all his cologne and bath products. A month before nothing Steve had come into the apartment with was still there - save for a few photographs that had be ‘protected’ in albums and now stashed out of sight.   
  
Steve had come home a little later than usual, they were working with Marketing on some new Ads and the meeting ran late. He didn’t even think Tony would be in the penthouse, that was the problem …he should have known.  
  
“Where. Where the-..The hell have you been?”  The slurred voice demanded.   
  
The living room was dark and all Steve could see what the silhouette of the top of his boyfriends head over the back of a chair. His frame back lit by city lights as he staggered to his feet- drink in hand.   
  
“Tony?”   
  
“I said. Where the HELL have you BEEN!” The glass was thrown shattering against the wall.   
  
“Tony you’re drunk stop.” Steve glowered, he wasn’t afraid - not yet. He had seen Tony drunk before, he would laugh and they would sip whiskey watching old movies. Tony would end up a little tipsy while Steve was farther into being shit faced, they would end up tangled up on the floor naked and sweaty. Tony would lay against his back and lick the back of his neck and tell him he tasted like sugar. It never really made sense but it didn't matter, he'd laugh and then moan when they went at it all over again.   
Steve had seen Tony drunk; he had just never seen him like this.  
  
Tony walked right up and slapped him, hard enough to knock the slighter man off his feet. “You! Do Not! Tell ME what to do!”   
  
It had shocked Steve so much he just sat there on the floor for moment, he couldn't believe it. Looking at Tony towering over him, his face twisted up and mean. That wasn’t Tony.  

  
“You hit me.” Steve muttered, it was as if he had to confirm it aloud because it seemed so farfetched.   
  
Tony reached out snatching him by the hair, “Fucking right I did! Now you answer me! Where have you been!”   
  
He struggled in the iron grip, his first instinct was to fight back but…something wasn’t right about that. This was Tony and he was drunk, Tony would never do this. “I.. I was working the meeting ran late I swear!”   
  
Steve was hauled up to his feet and Tony shoved him against the wall, large calloused hand clamped around his throat. Tony just looked at him, his eyes seemed so empty as they searched his face -looking for a lie. “I promise.” Steve said his breath catching.  
  
“Yeah…you wouldn’t screw around on me would you Stevie?” Tony drawled his free hand trailing over the red hand shaped mark on Steve’s face. “You Don’t ever lie to me, you understand?”   
  
The younger man nodded, feeling the hand clasped on his neck fall away. He scrambled out of the living room, leaving Tony to drown himself in another bottle. Steve locked the bedroom door that night. He couldn’t do this…

* * *

  
“Where are you going? Steve talk to me! Baby I’m sorry!” Tony pleaded.   
  
Steve wasn’t listening he had an overnight back packed, he wasn’t sure if he was leaving for good or just the night. He needed space to think right now.   
  
“You hit me Tony. You slapped me, do you see this?” He turned pointing at the red and now purpled mark on the side of his face. “You did that to me, you were so drunk that you hurt me.”   
  
“I know sweetheart and I promise it will never happen again, I just. I had a hard day and when I came upstairs, I just wanted to see you and be with you. Your all I have Stevie …please don’t do this to be babe, I know I screwed up and I’m sorry.”   
  
Tony sounded so honest, so apologetic. Maybe this was all just a misunderstanding.    
  
“I swear to you Steve, I would never hurt you.”  
  



	4. You ever love somebody so much

**“You can barely breathe when you're with them, you meet. And neither one of you, even know what hit 'em, Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah-them chills, used to get 'em. Now you're getting fucking sick, of looking at 'em. You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em. Now you're in each other’s face, Spewing venom, and these words, when you spit 'em. You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em. Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments, when you're in 'em.”**  
  
Tony was perfect after that, he would do all of these kind little gestures for Steve - buying him things, taking him out to see art exhibits, dining at fancy restaurants. He spoke so kindly and was always praising the younger man.   
  
It was like being with someone different, someone new and better. Or maybe it was like being with the Tony he fell in love with, the one who kissed him in the morning and told him how happy he was to just wake up next to Steve. For a while it like it was suppose to be.  
  
When they made love it was passionate and purposeful, Steve was sure that what happened had just been a fluke. A culmination of too much stress and alcohol. Tony loved him, and he loved Tony. It had to have been an accident, what else could it have been? How could this Tony ever hurt him?   
  
This Tony who kissed his thighs and drove him wild, who held him in his lap and let him take control. This man who who stared at him like some precious thing.   
  
He wanted to believe the dream, but all dreams come to an end.  
  
Steve started to notice little things, things he hadn’t before. Warning signs (as he would later call them), Tony would work later and later on projects. Usually when it was a big government contract, something about those always left the inventor on edge. Steve understood, it wasn’t like upgrading a phone or tablet. It was building something that would stand between American troops and their enemies. Body armor, weapons, even larger things like special planes and jeeps. It was important work that could mean life or death.   
  
Late nights in the workshop led to less eating, then more drinking, little snide remarks here and there.   
  
_“Could you be more stupid?”_   
  
_“What are you wearing… I buy you nice things and you dress like your 90.”_  
  
 _“Steve just shut up can’t you see I’m working.”_  
  
 _“Sometimes I just wanna knock your perfect teeth out.”_   
  
Mostly Steve could let it go, he’d just chalk it up to Tony being moody. Other times he’d smart off right back. Usually this wasn’t a problem, maybe Tony would yell at him or lock him out of the lab but then…those times Tony had just been tiered or over worked. Then things would snowball and Steve found himself in a shouting match with the drunk billionaire.  
  


* * *

  
“ You have been down here for three days Tony, Three days!” Steve was angry because Tony had stood him up twice, more than that though the man looked hell and smelled worse. He was worried for Tony.   
  
The brunette scowled and poured himself another drink, “I’ll be down here all I like, my names on the building if you haven’t noticed.”   
  
“Oh I notice plenty, I notice how you’re a filthy stinking drunk!” Steve shouted, his face was red and hands clenched in fists.   
  
Tony eyes the slighter male and set down his drink, his voice was calm - too calm. “How dare you talk to me like that, After everything I’ve done for you. You worthless little slut. Who do you think you are? DO you have any idea who you are talking to right now? I MADE YOU, WITH OUT ME YOU ARE NOTHING!”   
  
The words cut into him, Steve wasn’t going to cry though. Tony was lashing out and wouldn’t remember this, but it still hurt. Still made Steve see red and want to hurt Tony as much as Tony was hurting him. “ Oh yeah the amazing Tony Stark, I know who I’m talking to. I’m talking to a sad alcoholic who has been riding on his daddy’s coattails!”   
  
That was a mistake.  
  
The next thing Steve knew he was on his back, skull throbbing and Tony was standing over him holding onto his shirt collar. “DON’T YOU EVER COMPARE ME TO HIM EVER!”   
  
It was a instant reaction, Steve kicked up and caught Tony in the crotch bringing the drunk to his knees. Tony was cursing and holding himself.

Steve struggled to get up with the room spinning, he could feel the blood pouring out of his nose, hoping it wasn’t broken. Had Tony really punched him?   
  
Finally getting his footing back, Steve managed to stagger to the lab door, but Tony was behind him and shouted for the security system to ‘deny all exits.’   
  
The next punch hit him square in the back winding the younger man. Rogers was flung forward smearing blood against the glass doors. His fingers begging for purchase over the slick surface and finding none, he slid down to his knees with the painful burn igniting his empty lungs. This was worse than any asthma attack he’d ever had growing up. A dull ache radiating from his spine began to bloom into a bright sting.  
  
 Steve coughed and gasped, unable to fight as Tony pulled him by his foot across the floor.  Stark dragged him into the small adjoining bathroom in the workshop and turned on the walk in shower. The water was ice cold when it fired down, soaking through Steve’s clothing making it even  harder to breath. His lungs already compressed and nose filled with coagulating blood.  It hurt, it hurt so much.   
  
He strained to speak to beg for Tony to stop, please just stop! The only sound was aborted little wheezes of broken vowels.   
  
“You make me do this! You make me Steve!” Tony shouted with a tremble in his voice, “I don’t want to do this but you make me! I treat you so well and I give you everything! I love you, that’s why you have to understand!”   
  
Steve rolled to his side trying to curl into a ball. Yeah …he knew how terrible Tony’s father had been and still …this was his fault.  Steve swallowed that guilt and let out a choking groan of “I’m sorry”   
  
He wasn’t sure what happened after that but when he woke up, they were still in the bathroom. Tony was cradling him in his arms and begging him to be ok. Kissing his hair and saying how sorry he was for having to ‘punish’ him.  
  



	5. It's the rage that's the culprit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: sorry if this feels like filler, I kinda felt like this was important to touch on. Abusers will often alienate their victim and use emotional manipulation to keep their partners silent. Even when confronted by family and friends. Engaging their victim in a dangerous co-dependent cycle of abuse. In addition, how often those who know the abuser will blind themselves to the possibility they are a danger to others.

**“It controls you both. So they say its best, to go your separate ways. Guess that they don't know ya 'cause today, that was yesterday. Yesterday is over; it's a different day “**

* * *

  
  
“Steve?”   
  
He was out at a local arts and crafts store when he saw Bucky, he hadn’t seen his friend in nearly a year - hadn’t even spoken to him in months.

Tony needed him too much; the company needed him so…so there just wasn’t time.  Moreover, Bucky was married now. He had other things to think about. Bucky didn’t need Steve, he never did. Steve was always the one following after Bucky, always getting pulled out of scrapes.   
  
Tony did need him though, without Steve – Tony would have fallen apart by now. God help him, Steve liked that feeling. The feeling he had when Tony would cry and tell him he was sorry, tell him how he couldn't do anything with out him. Tell him how Steve meant the world to him. It felt good to be needed. Even if it felt bad later.

Bucky didn’t have to take care of Steve any more. Tony did that, they took care of each other. They were two halves of one whole, completely dependant on the other.   
  
So yeah, Steve did his best to try and duck out of sight. Hurrying down the acrylics isle with his head down. It was too late though, he could hear loafers padding on the shop floor behind him.   
  
“Steve. I know it’s you punk.”  
  
A hand fell on Steve’s shoulder making him turn, he didn’t want to. Bucky wouldn’t understand, no one could understand. Things were just different, all couples were different right? Just because something worked for one didn’t mean it would work for another. That’s what Tony said, they were just different.   
  
So he took a deep breath and turned around, dawning a watery smile. “Hey jerk.”   
  
“…Jesus, Mary and Joseph... What the hell happened to your face...?”   
  
Yeah…Buck just wouldn’t understand.

* * *

  
  
Steve found himself completely frozen and he was a terrible liar. It wasn’t like he could say what really happened _‘well stupid me, I snuck up on Tony when he was working  ...Wanted to surprise him and he clocked me with a wrench. I should have known after that third drink before noon. It was my fault really..’_   
  
“Walked into a door.” The excuse felt even lamer than it sounded. He just shrunk back knowing what would happen next and of course, it did.  
  
Bucky just had to touch, had to reach out and investigate everything. Lifting off the sunglasses to take a better look at the glorious shiner that swooped around Steve’s eye and down on his cheekbone. Really, it had been a miracle it didn’t break anything. Maybe he should thank Tony for making sure he was taking all those new vitamins and supplements.   
  
“Walked into a door… I know you Steve and I know you are a reckless little shit but you’re not clumsy. Wanna tell me what really happened.” Barnes asked crossing his arms. He was completely prepared to hear how all of 5ft nothing of Steve Rogers tried to stop a purse snatching a got his ass handed to him. On the other hand, maybe the punk tried to climb up in a tree to rescue a cat and fell out. What he was not prepared for however, was for Steve to snatch the shades from his hand, mutter _‘I told you it was a door_ ’, and storm off.   
  
“Hold on now! Look I’m not gonna tease ya!” Bucky laughed trying to lighten the mood. He wanted Steve to come back and shrug his shoulders as he always did. Steve would come out with some heroic fail tale and they would have a laugh.    
  
They didn’t have a laugh.   
  
Steve kept his head down and said, “ I need to go, it was nice seeing ya Buck.” doing his level best to make his way unimpeded to the cash register.  
  
He didn’t make it far before a hand landed on his shoulder, he flinched pulling away. He didn’t mean to do that. Now Bucky was looking at him – his hand just hanging there in the air were it had been on Steve shoulder.   
  
He knew, Bucky knew … of course he knew. James Barnes could always read him like a book.  
  
“Steve…what’s going on? Did. did someone do this to you?” Bucky asked, his voice taking on a protective edge. “Was it that guy? That Stark guy?”   
  
“No.” Steve said quickly, thankful for the mirrored facade of the expensive sunglasses. They hid the way his eye shifted to the left and down. He couldn’t look Bucky in the eyes and lie to him. “I told you, it was my fault ok. Drop it.”   
  
Barnes didn’t want to drop it though, “Steve…damn it talk to me.”  
  
“I said I have to go Buck. Give Nat my best ok...” Steve mumbled tugging away. This wasn’t going to be the end of it. He knew that. He just Hope Bucky did do anything stupid. 

* * *

  
  
“Tony! WHAT DID YOU DO?” Pepper stormed into the lab and at that moment Tony knew he was in for it.   
  
“If this about that meeting I...”   
  
He didn’t expect her to slap him, let alone that it would surprise him so much he’d fall off his stool. “DAMN IT PEP!”  
  
The redhead stood over him hands on her hips and eyes alive with fire, “oh no, you don’t get to be indignant with me right now. I just had a very interesting conversation. Very interesting, so I went to go see for myself. Can you guess to what I am referring?”   
  
Tony raked his brain, “Is it something I bought?”   
  
“No it is not something you bought! It is something you left, like a horrible bruise on Steve’s face! What the hell is wrong with you?”   
  
Tony straightened himself up grinding his teeth subtly, “Did he tell you that?”  He told Steve, told him and told him… he had to keep his mouth shut because other people wouldn’t understand.   
  
“No he didn’t, when I asked him he said he fell. Told me he just bruises easily, I could tell he was lying because he looked like a kid trying to get one over on his mother. If this. If it’s a sex thing... I can understand but you need to cool it, and if it’s….If it’s like what that girl out in Vegas last year said that you did…”  
  
“It’s not like that because she was a liar!” Tony seethed pointing a finger at his longtime friend. “That lying slut used me and you know it, got me to pay for her tits and her student loans! Steve is different, and maybe he wasn’t lying maybe he was just embarrassed.”  
  
Pepper wanted to believe it because the alternative…well she knew all about Howard and didn’t want to believe that the apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree. “I’m serious Tony, this can’t happen again. I won’t save you anymore if you hurt him.”   
  
He laughed humorlessly, “picking sides Potts?”   
  
“If it means you finally getting help, and keeping Steve safe? yeah, yeah I am.”  
  
“Get out of my lab, what Steve and I do or don’t do is our business. You’re not his mother or mine, remember what your job is Virginia. If you want to keep it.”  
  
He had threatened to fire her before, but this time she thought he really meant it. The look in his eyes was like a dragon protecting its horde. She just hoped he cared enough about Steve to not take things to a place they couldn’t come back from.   
  
“Is that all Ms. Potts?”  
  
“That’s all Mr. Stark.”

  



	6. Sound like broken records

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: ok so this is human au - Tony isn’t iron man though the events of Afghanistan did happen just not to the same extent. He was terribly injured or kidnapped but there was a ambush ect.. So there is some PTSD symptoms. Just to be forewarned so no one is confused. The blood trigger is amplified in Tony’s mind.

**“Playin' over, but you promised him Next time you'll show restraint.**  
 **You don't get another chance, Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again.**  
 **Now you get to watch him leave, Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane”**   
  
From then on Tony was more careful, he never hit Steve in the face again.   
  
He wasn’t happy about Pepper's visit, even if she said Steve hadn’t told her anything someone had. Steve swore that he hadn’t told anyone, promised he would never do that to Tony.   
  
“Do you have any idea what the press would do to me? Do you!” Tony shouted as he held him down on the bed. “Do you want me to be ruined Steve, do you want to see me burn? Like Obie?”   
  
Steve knew about Tony’s former business partner - Obadiah Stane, apparently, the man had planted some rather unflattering allegations in the media as a means to take over the company.   
  
“No I don’t that’s not at all what I want. I just want to help you!” Steve begged gently tugging one of his hands free to touch Tony’s face. If he could just calm him down this would be ok.  If he could just get Tony to ease up on the drinking, maybe talk to a doctor.    
  
He could save Tony.  
  
“I love you. Please, I love you.”   
  
The soft words seemed to melt away the inventor’s ire. “I’m just trying to protect us Steve you know that. That’s why I’m so hard on you because you don’t know what this life is like. You never had to deal with media vultures before. You’re too good… too sweet for that.”    
  
Tony melted against him, pressing heavy atop his slimmer frame. Still Steve wrapped his arms around the man rubbing slow circles on his lovers back. “It’s ok; it’s going to be ok. I promise.” 

* * *

  
  
Sometimes you just can’t make things ok, you can’t force someone to change no more that you can will it to rain in the desert  or the sun to rise at midnight. Sometimes what you see is what you get.  
  
People don’t change because you want them to; they have to want it for themselves.   
  
On some level, Steve knew that, he knew the thing they had was dangerous. Tony was becoming even more agitated with the expo coming up. There was chatter about Hammer Tech coming out with something amazing this year. Tony couldn’t be shown up by his rival.   
  
It wasn’t as if Stark could get his hands on Justin Hammer, so the next best thing was a bottle of Jack. … And Steve.   
  
Tony was working all ours of the night, said he had something that would blow everything out of the water. A new frontier in green energy. The work had him up and down, manically excited one moment and spitting mad the next.   
  
Finally Pepper suggested that he get out of New York for a while “go work at the Malibu house, you love Malibu. Moreover, I’m sure Steve would love it to. The poor boy needs some sun.”   
  
Therefore, with Peppers mothering they packed up and headed to the cost. The first day was bliss, waking up to a beautiful view and Tony’s arms wrapped around him. Steve felt like he’d died and gone to heaven.    
  
They went out and had breakfast at a little café. Then drove out to a private beach, as much as Steve was embarrassed about his body Tony never let him be. “You’re beautiful, your mine and you know I only have the best taste. Only I can see it, how special you are...”    
  
That first day Steve felt everything was finally going to get better. Maybe it was the sea air or the quiet, Tony just seemed so much better here.    
  
That was just the first day.   
  
After that Tony said he needed to get back to work, he couldn't ‘spoil’ Steve too much. “There’s a sunset and palm trees and all sorts of pretty shit out there. Go do art things.”  Tony shooed him away and headed down to his workshop.   
  
Steve complied, “If you’re sure, I’ll bring you something to eat though later. I know you skipped breakfast.”  
  
“I had coffee”  
  
“Coffee isn’t food.”  
  
“Heathen….”  
  
The playful banter gave Steve some hope. They hadn’t been like that in a while, that sense of ease had died for a while. Steve had been walking around on eggshells. Every little thing could set Tony off when he was in one of his moods. This was so nice, maybe the change of scenery was all they really needed. 

* * *

  
  
Steve enjoyed watching the evening sun dipping down into the sea, he wished Tony would have come up to enjoy it with him. Shivering in the slight chill rising from the waves, he closed his eyes, thinking how things would be when Tony stopped drinking. Maybe then, they would be like how he saw them in his mind – standing here with the engineer’s arms around him, Tony would probably chat mindlessly about the effects of saltwater on industrial steel or tidal wave energy. Steve would just smile and listen because it didn’t matter what Tony said he just liked the sound of it. The way the older man’s voice would rumble behind him.   
  
That wasn’t how they were though, Steve was standing up here on this big balcony alone. Feeling the chill deep in his bones while Tony was down in his shop.   
  
Steve slipped inside and made a simple sandwich and some coffee to take down. “If I didn’t feed him he’d starve. “ the younger man muttered making his way down. About half way down he heard glass shatter.  
  
“Tony?”  
  
Explosions and small fires were commonplace in Tony’s workshop but that didn’t mean that Steve stopped worrying about them. So he hurried his pace down the stairs. “Tony…Tony are you okay!”   
  
“Fine. Fine, just…yeah wasn’t expecting that.” Tony said picking himself up off the floor.  With a large strange looking gun in his lap.   
  
“You built it you should know what it’s capable of.” Steve dead panned setting the plate down on one of the workstations. “Are you okay?”   
  
“I just told you I’m fine!” Tony snapped standing himself up and heaving the heavy weapon onto a desk. “God you’re worse than Pepper, if you hadn’t noticed I’m not the one in this room who looks like I’m about to die any second.”  
  
Steve wrinkled his nose at the insult; it hurt more coming from Tony.   
  
Of course, the older man noticed.   
  
“What are you gonna go cry? God you’re so useless…” Tony moved over pushing Steve out of the way to inspect the food. “You want me to eat yet you bring me this? There are hundreds of take-out numbers in your phone. But no you break out the wonder bread like its home fucking ec class.”   
  
Tony just kept getting louder and louder with each passing moment. Steve knew he shouldn’t have come down but it was too late now. “Sorry... I can go order a pizza or...”  
  
“Would you just shut up!?” Tony threw the plate, and maybe he didn’t mean to throw it that hard or even at Steve but before he could stop it just left his hands. The dish narrowly missing the younger man as it struck a glass partition shattering it.    
  
Steve and managed to duck out of the way but still was in the area of the broken glass. He stood shaking for moment before looking back at the destruction.   
  
Tony just looked down at his hands a moment before glancing back at Steve. Then he saw it, on Steve shoulder red was blooming through the red fabric. “Oh …shit…oh shit Steve baby I’m so sorry.”  
  
The younger man was already down on his knees futilely trying to clean up the bits of plate among the shattered glass. “No… I shouldn’t have.” He was so used to this now, when Tony would break things he needed to clean them up fast because he would just get angrier.   
  
“Steve stop…” From Tony’s perspective (and maybe it was the Jim bean goggles) the blood was spreading it looked like a massive spider web of crimson. How was Steve still standing?  “Steve stop it. Stop right now!”  
  
“But …”   
  
“I said Stop god damn it!” Red. Red. Why was it so red…why wasn’t it stopping why Steve was still picking up that damn glass! He couldn’t breath, everything was so loud and before Tony could reel it in he was moving. He was snatching  Steve up by those spindly arms and shaking him.   
  
“Please I’m sorry!” Steve was shouting and he looked so afraid and then…   
  
Tony looked down where his hands were wrapped around Steve’s biceps and saw the red spreading onto his fingers. This was how this played out…how it was going to end. Something whispered in Stark's ear, something sinister and wrong.  
  
 _You will kill him one day… you will kill him and you will be alone. A pathetic old drunk with no one to love you. Just. Like. Howard._

* * *

  
Steve had never seen him like this, with that 100-yard stare. He vaguely remembered something like this at his birthday, they had gone to see the fireworks in central park and a rocket and failed and zipped off course right past them.  Tony looked like that and then Rhodes, Tony’s friend, came over and then Pepper pulled him way. She said something happening the year before Tony meet him. Something about a weapons test overseas that had gone wrong. Just an ‘accident’ she said, ‘nothing to worry about.   
  
“Tony please. Let me go. Tony it’s me, it’s Steve please!”   
  


* * *

  
  
The room was too hot, his mouth was dry.  
  
Like sand…like the desert. Like those boys that got blew up in little pieces.  Yankee Doodle dead… nothing says Karma like a bomb with your name on it.   
  
Somewhere in all the fog, he could hear someone yelling his name.   
  
“Steve?”   
  
“That’s right. That’s right I’m here, everything’s ok I just need you to let go can you do that.”   
  
Why? Why would he ever let go of Steve? He couldn’t do that…he couldn’t ever do that. If he let Steve go he'd be alone, Tony hated alone...alone was darkness and nightmares. Steve couldn't leave him...he loved Steve and Steve loved him.   
  
He had to hold on.

* * *

  
The grip adjusted only to clamp down higher… around his neck. Steve started to panic, and when you already have compromised lungs, panic and strangulation is not a good mix.   
  
Steve didn’t want to do it but he started to scratch at Tony’s forearm wheezing out the mans name as the grip got tighter. Tony couldn't hear him. He wasn’t going to hear him because Tony wasn't there, where ever he was it was far away and desolate. Steve could see it in the inventors glassy eyes.  
  
 _I’m going to die… I’m going to die like this._ The thought was terrible and real, he stared at Tony’s cold dark eyes as the looked passed him.  Steve couldn’t hold out much longer- then a movement caught his eye.   
  
Dum-E…one of Tony’s bots, waving that damn extinguisher around.   
  
‘F-f- Fire. FIRE!” Steve shouted with the last bit of air he could get.   
Sure enough, the bot swung around and sprayed the chilly foam right at Tony's back.

* * *

  
Cold…hot…no Cold.  Fucking freezing cold…   
  
Tony blinked his grip dropping whatever it held. “Damn it Dum-e why did you…”  
  
“T-T-tony… Help…”  A small voice wheezed below him.   
  
Steve…everything came rushing back, the plate, the glass, the blood, the dark ugly marks around Steve’s throat. The fact that the younger man was even paler that usual and struggling to breath on the floor.   
  
“shit…shit …shit… Jarvis mute off!” Tony shouted, having turned off the Ai’s ability to complain earlier in the night. He was sobering up fast.  “Where is Steve’s nearest Inhaler NOW!”   
  
“Mr. Rogers has a prescription in the glove box of the Chevelle.”   
  
Tony shot off through the workshop and into the garage,  the door was unlocked and he left the car wide open after he secured the breathing device. Sprinting back Tony wondered if he himself wouldn’t need it after this.   
  
“Steve!!!” Sliding down next to his lover to find Steve looking almost gray curled up on the floor. “Baby, I’m sorry oh god please please …” He tugged the slender body against his own and slipped the inhaler between Steve’s lips, depressing the metal canister.   
  
It felt like an eternity just holding Steve, rubbing his chest and speaking softly into his ear. “That’s it sweetheart, just breath. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”   
  
Steve felt worn to the bone, just laying there thinking how a few hours ago he craved Tony’s embrace. It was disgustingly ironic that this was the only way he could get it. The after math of Tony nearly killing him, what a terrible love this was.   
  
It couldn’t go on like this; Steve knew that… he didn’t want to leave. Didn’t want Tony to suffer like this alone, but he didn’t want to die either.   
  
He had to get out.   
  



	7. Now I know we said things, did things

**“That we didn't mean and we fall back into the same patterns Same routine, but your temper's just as bad, as mine is. You're the same as me, but when it comes to love, you're just as blinded.**   
**Baby please come back, it wasn't you.  Baby it was me, maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano, All I know is I love you too much, to walk away now. Come inside; pick up your bags off the sidewalk. Don't you hear sincerity, in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball. Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the dry wall. Next time, there will be no next time…….I apologize even though I know its lies. I'm tired of the games, I just want him back, I know I'm a liar…… If he ever tries to fucking leave again. I'm a tie him to the bed and set this house on fire…”**

* * *

  
  
“He’s gone… He’s really gone this time…”  
  
“Of course he is Tony…” Jim Rhodes said, looking over at his long time friend, watching Tony falling apart. “It was all I could do to keep Barnes from coming up here and kicking your ass.  This has to stop Tone, I know you don’t like to admit it but …you need help.”  
  
The inventor scrubbed his hands over his face, his beard was in an ill state and gnarled in knots. He smelled like a polecat and looked like miles of bad road. Pepper had enough and finally called in the cavalry. “What I need is drink.”   
  
“Would you stop that shit?” Rhodes rounded on him snatching the half-empty bottle of jack just out of reach. “You think the answer is in here? You are a smart man Tony but I swear you do the dumbest stuff I have ever seen. This isn’t college Tone, you’re 45 for God sakes- grow up.”   
  
Brown eyes narrowed dangerously about the dark bags that spoke of sleepless nights. Stark sneered feeling the venom on his tongue. “Well excuse me Colonel. I didn’t mean to offend your delicate sensibilities.”  
  
Rhodes poured the bottle out into a plant and tossed the empty decanter. He couldn’t even look at Tony, “What offends me is you turning into the same kind of monster you swore you’d never be.”   
  
“I’m not…”  
  
“YES YOU ARE!”   
  
Stark swallowed his retort at the sudden outburst. Rhodey never got mad at him, not for all the stupid things he’d done in the over 20 years of friendship. This was different.   
  
“You are, you are… and you can’t even see it. That’s what’s so dangerous. You make excuses and you blame everything and everyone else. I know what happened changed you, I know that.  War changes everyone and soldiers …”  
  
“I AM NOT A SOLIDER!” Tony shouted standing up his eyes wide and wild. “I NEVER WAS, I… I BUILT THINGS AND I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT THEY DID, I NEVER THOUGH ABOUT WHAT A BODY LOOKED LIKE RIDDLED WITH BULLETS!”   
  
“Now you do know, you changed Tony. You turned SI around - you’re doing good things so why in the hell are you drinking yourself crazy and taking out all this anger on Steve?” Rhodes wasn’t backing down. He got right up in Tony’s face almost daring the other man to throw a fist.   
  
“I don’t…I don’t know. I - I just… I don’t know.”   
  
That was a lie, he knew. Deep down Tony knew why, he did it because it felt good. It felt good to let it all out to get so drunk he couldn’t feel. To forget and not have to face the nightmares of blood… God all that blood, he almost strangled Steve because he thought he saw all of that blood again. The waking nightmare of a broken man.

  
He took control because he wanted control. After Afghanistan, he felt like he was alone - like an animal born in captivity finally seeing the real world. Having never really noticed the bars…now, everything seemed too big and too new. He needed something that was small, something he could rely on. He needed to bring his world in and keep it warm and safe.

  
Counter to that safety the only language Tony knew was intimidation. How his Father had ruled the house with a fist.  
  
 _“Stark men are made of Iron”_ That’s what the old man used to say.   
  
Therefore, Tony found something he could keep, own like one of his cars. Steve hadn’t been as mousey as he looked though and that threw Tony for a loop. The young man had so much fire and Tony felt threatened by it. For all Steve’s weakness, he was a better man. Tony needed to break him, needed to somehow cobble that optimism and drive. He needed Steve to need him more.   
  
“I just didn’t want him to leave.”   
  
“Do you love him?”   
  
The question was simple but so heavy, Tony felt it crawl in his ear and dig down into his heart. Did he love Steve? Really, love him? Or did he just grow accustom to him, grow dependent like a pet snake. Something cold that knows were to go to be fed and beyond that no attachment. The more he thought it about it however, that wasn't right.   
  
“Yes.” Cradling his head in his hands as he mumbled the reply. Because yes, maybe he never intended to really love anyone - but Steve had a crafty way of etching his way into your life. Ingraining those blue eyes and sheepish smiles in your very soul. “I love him so much it hurts…”   
  
“Then show him.” 

* * *

  
The first day away Steve just felt numb, all he wanted to do was sleep and not think at all. The last year and a half of his life had been taken in one action. In retrospect, he could see that it was leading to this. Still he didn’t want to think about it.

  
Days turned into a week and Steve felt his resolve crumbling, he spoke to Pepper and asked if Tony was ok. She didn’t want to say, just kept telling him ‘Steve honey take care of you right now. I can handle Tony; I should have been doing a better job of that anyway.’ She blamed herself and Steve as kind as he is told her not to feel guilty. No one thought it would go this far. Maybe that was the problem, everyone was used to cleaning up after Tony. The man didn’t have to own up to anything… not until recently and they all saw how well he took that revelation.   
  
When Steve had been away for a month Bucky and Natasha deemed it safe to give him back his cell phone. Bucky had been worried that Stark would harass the gentle blonde, Tony hadn’t. There were only two missed calls, three texts, and one voice mail. Mostly _‘I love you’_ and _‘I’m sorry’_. The voice-mail was a surprisingly sober Tony saying he had an appointment with a psychiatrist, that he would do his best to be better.  
  
Steve swore that he wouldn’t let Tony back in that easily.   
  
That lasted all of about ten seconds when Steve went back to the penthouse to ‘collect his things’ which he did not tell anyone he was doing before hand. Bucky had an unholy fit when he heard about it. 

* * *

The penthouse was bathed in warm light and there was Tony. Sitting on their bed, he looked so broken. Something in Steve just wanted to fix that brilliant man. It would have been a terrible loss if he didn’t, and he didn’t want anyone else to do it. It was a sick kind of selfishness.   
  
“Hey.”   
  
“Hey.” 

Then everything was quiet, which is strange considering how much Tony Stark loathes awkward silences. They looked at each other, going through the idea of being without the other.   
  
“I miss you, I miss…us.” Tony finally said looking down at his hands. “I know, I’m fucked up. I don’t deserve you at all.  I never thought I could love someone the way I love you and babe that terrifies me because…I can’t lose you. I can’t see you walk away and know that I can’t follow, and I would follow. I’d go through hell for you, so…I am. The doc..Bruce, he says I have a lot of issues but I can get through them if I dry out and do it right. I wanna do that, I wanna do anything to save this. To save us, but I can’t do it alone Steve.”   
  
There he was, the man he loved lying his soul bare. This was the moment Steve was waiting for and he hoped this was it. It had to be it. “You don’t have to Tony, we’ll do it together.”

* * *

After Steve moved back in, Bucky wouldn’t answer his calls. Natasha said ‘he’s just worried, we love you Steve. We just hope you know what you’re doing.”   
  
“Tony is going to get better, you’ll see.”   
  
Famous last words…


	8. On the first page of our story

**“The future seemed so bright, Then this thing turned out so evil. I don't know why I'm still surprised. Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take that to new extremes… But you'll always be my hero… Even though you've lost your mind.”**

Steve wanted to believe in new beginnings, he genuinely did. However, it’s hard to have a new beginning when you can’t let go of old demons.  
  
He could tell that Tony wanted to change, the inventor was working hard to sift through years of repressed childhood anger. To unload all that shit left behind by a man Tony should have been able to trust. Steve never knew Howard Stark but if the dead look in his son’s eyes when the mans name was mention was anything to go on - Steve was happier not knowing him.   
  
Just like with most things impulsive that Tony took on - they had a shelf-life. Or a ‘ until its uncomfortable’ expiration date.   
  
That date came sooner rather than later when it came to seeing a shrink. Tony canceled his doctor appointments after a few weeks. He said he didn’t like how the new prescriptions made him feel. Doctor Banner told him it would take more time than that but as always - Tony Stark has to be the smartest person in the room.   
  
Steve thought it had less to do with the medication and more to do with having to face things Tony didn’t want to face. (He never said that though)  
  
“I don’t need them sweetface, you’ll see.” He told Steve pouring the pills into the toilet. “I haven’t had a drink in a month, I can do this.”   
  
He wanted to believe that. He really did. 

* * *

  
  
_‘I shouldn’t have let him… ‘_ That’s what Steve thought now every time Tony had a nightmare, every time he got angry because he couldn’t drink.  Tony was like this because Steve should have been a better partner, he should have been stronger. All those should haves and perfectly run scenarios of things he didn't do would run wild through his head almost daily.  
  
 _‘I’m not doing enough to help him’_ every time Tony screamed at him. He could see the inventor struggling and just stood there idly by. He should work harder to make Tony happy.  
  
 _‘I should have checked the house better.’_ when Tony found an old bottle of scotch. It never even occurred to Steve that Tony likely hid the bottle in the first place.  
  
It was easier to blame himself because Tony had been working so hard for this. ‘All I did was come home; I didn’t even go with him to talk to the doctor. Maybe I should have, that’s what couples do.’   
  
**“God damn it Steve!”**  
  
 **“STEVE WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT MY TIES”**  
  
 **“Steve you ignorant little fuck!”**  
  
 **“Why do I put up with you?”**  
  
 _‘He doesn’t mean it, he’s just sick. Coming off the medicine was worse than getting on it, and now he’s drinking but... but it’s not as much so he’s still doing so well. I just have to stay, he needs me. We are together in this so I can leave him.’_  
  
“I’m Sorry Tony”  
  
“I know, I’m sorry.”  
  
When they fought, Tony never lifted a hand anymore. That was proof that he was trying. Wasn’t it? He just yelled and really... words cannot hurt you. Steve knew - what is it that children say? _‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?’_  
  
  “It does hurt.” He spoke softly one night, just to hear it for his own benefit. The words hurt more because they came from someone he loved. – _‘useless, stupid, dumb, worthless,’_  
  
He would wish for just words when Tony punched him in the stomach the next night. He’d wish he were stronger when he was sputtering and curled in a ball. He knew hitting Tony back wouldn’t have solved anything but he never wanted to hurt Tony. He loved him, needed him, he had to save him.

* * *

  
Tony rationalized it all away; he was the professor of positive spin. “I love you; can’t you see that I’m trying?”   
  
“It’s not going to be overnight, I’m sorry baby.” He’d say, holding ice to a bruise on Steve’s back. “I don’t even remember hitting you that hard, I think you just bruise easy.”   
  
Steve never objected, he never complained, he never tried to leave. So it was ok, everything was ok.   
  


 


	9. Now there's gravel in our voices

**“Glass is shattered from the fight and this tug of war, you'll always win. Even when I'm right.**  
 **Cause you feed me fables from your head, with violent words and empty threats.**  
 **And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied…”**  
  
Nothing was ok.   
  
Tony was losing control because even when he tried to be kind it seemed like Steve was just…numb to it all.   
  
Like standing under the night sky and watching a star flicker out of existence. Something so beautiful and vibrant that was giving up.   
  
“Are you going to work today or have you just opted to be my trophy boy?” He’d said jokingly, Steve was on sick leave again. Tony wasn’t even sure the younger man wasn’t actually sick, Steve was looking rough around the edges.  Was that his fault?   
  
No, Tony was getting better… maybe it was just the flu.  
  
Steve just trudged over and dressed slowly as if his bones hurt, “sorry, you’re right.”   
  
The engineer raised an eyebrow and said nothing, sipping his coffee watching Steve head down the elevator. “That was weird.” Tony didn’t linger on it though, he had things that are more important.   
  
Tony managed to go days at a time without drinking, true his mood was shit most of the time but that was to be expected. Steve’s mood however was not expected, and just made the billionaire anxious. Steve, his sweet boy - was becoming a stranger.   
  
Steve barely talked anymore, he would just sit and sketch or stare out into nothing. When Tony said anything to him about it, the kid would flinch and start apologizing.   
  
_‘You broke him, you did this to him. This is what you always wanted.’_ A dark part of Stark's mind supplied, but he rebelled against it. This isn’t what he wanted, this wasn’t at all what he wanted.   
  
Steve must be trying to punish him.   
  
That had to be it, some passive aggressive strike against their relationship. Steve was trying to hurt him by making him worry. Well he would show him, he wouldn’t care at all. So he ignored Steve, shouted at him. Hit him. Tony stopped saying he was sorry – it’s not as if it mattered if he apologized.   
  
Steve hid away even more, to the point of sleeping in the guest room. He felt like Tony deserved better than he could give, someone who didn’t mess up so much.  _‘He hates me he’s just keeping me around because he feels sorry for me.’_

* * *

  
Tony read the move as the last straw, Steve was just like all the rest. He liked the lifestyle the money- but he didn’t love him. So why should he be surprised? Maybe he should just get it over with and throw Steve out.  
  
He couldn’t, there were times when he’d watch the younger man out of the corner of his eye and think _‘ no, this is just a phase. Steve just in some funk and he’ll bounce back.’_ in the mean time Tony would just wait.  
  
Tony Stark was never good at waiting though. He had always been an instant satisfaction kind of guy. If Steve didn’t want him…someone else would.


	10. So maybe I'm a masochist…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter for anyone who is still reading XD
> 
> Trigger Warning*

**“I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave, Till the walls are goin' up In smoke with all our memories.”**  
  
Steve could hear them, the moaning, heavy breaths and cries for more. The thud of the headboard, the subtle shake of the bedside lamp.  He knew because they were sounds that used to mean something to his now broken heart.   
  
This was his fault, that’s what Steve thought, because he hadn’t let Tony touch him in months, he just felt so worthless. Now Tony had someone in there on their bed and … he deserved this. Why wouldn’t Tony seek out something better, someone better? It was just natural.   
  
_‘I should have seen this coming, look at me, I’m nothing but skin and bones. He could have anyone he wants so why was I ever here? I shouldn’t be here.. I shouldn’t be anywhere, I’m a burden on everyone.’_ Steve sat in the living room running the dark thoughts through his head. Listening all the while to the crescendo of ecstasy in the other room.  
  
 That used to be them -that seemed so long ago now. A far away past made of muddled memories, the smiles and laughter littered with pain. Somehow all Steve could remember right now was that bed and the first time they made love. How Tony kissed his eyelids and called him precious, his precious boy. The way the inventors beard felt scratching over his bare chest. The feel of his lips, his hands - the same hands that could leave bruises could also become as gentle as velvet. He remember warm breaths and those work rough hands pushing his thighs back. The way Tony would utter such filthy things between kisses and whispered praise. Steve shuddered a sob at the memories. 

Someone else was in there now, someone else was tasting his lovers mouth and whispering his name. Someone else had Tony's heart.   
  
_‘Tony doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe he never did.’_  
  
It felt like sinking into ice, a kind of cold that burns. The realization that the last two years of his life led to this moment, all of it had been meaningless. All of the times Tony held him, kissed him, told him he was beautiful – flashed away in torrents of agony. Left behind was only the memory of the times Tony looked at him with cold eyes and unkind words, the welts that lasted for weeks.   
  
_‘I’m nothing to him, nothing, I am nothing.’_  
  
Steve felt the tears streaming down his face and hated them, clapping his hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs from crawling out. He didn’t want them to hear – to ruin it for them. It felt like hours until the penthouse was quiet. Steve was left with nothing but the sound of his own labored breaths as he tried in vain to stifle his tears.   
      
‘I can’t do this anymore, I can’t take it, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’

* * *

  
  
Tony woke up to an empty bed, whoever it was had long gone. He didn’t remember their name and the face was blurry at best. He had drunk just enough that all that was left of the encounter was a hazy dream of bare flesh and friction. For a moment, he had a smile, the kind he used to have after bedding some beauty back in the day. His golden days of bachelorhood when conquest was in vogue. Then he remembered…. Steve.  
  
“Oh shit…fuck shit…shit! Jarvis unmute, did Steve come home last night?” Part of him wanted to believe no Steve hadn’t; maybe he worked so late that he stayed on one of the guest floors. The younger man had done it before so it wouldn’t have been that strange.   
  
Things were sketchy between them and Tony knew he was failing, he knew every time he raised his hand and struck his lover. Still he did it because he wanted Steve to be like he was before and now he was just this shadow and Tony… well Tony was shit with coping skills.   
  
“Yes Sir he did. I would advise you go to the guest lavatory immediately.”   
  
“What. Why”  
  
“Now Sir, I have dispatched emergency services.”  
  
Tony felt his stomach drop, he was up and out of bed not even bothering with clothes as clamored out of the master suite and down the hall. Thanking whatever god was listening that to door was unlocked. The ensuite door was open and the light still on. “Steve…Steve are you ok?” That was a stupid question because why would his Ai have called 911... “Ste-…oh god...”   
  
Tony froze at the door, this was some kind of nightmare. He had to still be sleeping, this wasn’t real because Steve would never…  
  
His Steve was not… or maybe he was, maybe the truth was just now falling on Tony’s head like a ton of bricks. He let this happen.   
  
“Steve!” Tony dropped down to his knees in the blood pooling around the slender figure of his lover. A straight razor lay a few feet away. The deadly implement of Steve’s suffering.   
  
_‘You did this. You killed him; this was how it was always going to end....’_   
  
“No no no, Steve, baby come on. Steve.” Tony gathered the slim body up and clapped his hands around the gashes on Steve’s wrists. Holding tight around the bubbling rivers of red. There was too much already, Steve was so small he couldn’t have this much blood. “Steve... Please!”   
  
He felt so light, was he always this light? “Steve, open your eyes, open your eyes damn it. Please don’t die don’t leave me you can’t leave me.”  Tony was babbling and crying, holding Steve probably too tight but he couldn’t let go, if he let go it would be over.    
  
“Steve! I’m sorry please! Steve!”  
  
When the EMT’s got there, Pepper was with them. She moved between them to wrap a towel around her friend and move him out of the way. Tony was still naked and now covered in blood, sobbing.   
  
“It’s all my fault Pep, he’s been so unhappy… I didn’t care… I…I did the worst thing pep… the worst thing. It’s my entire fault.”   
  
“Tony just sit down, the paramedics are going to do their best but right now you need to give them room. Come on now you need to put on something so we can go ok?”  Pepper was finding this all hard to stomach but she had to keep it together, right now, she was the only one that was together.   
  
Tony just followed her lead with a numb expression, he could smell the blood. It was everywhere, it was sinking in his skin he was sure of it.  That thick coppery stench would be with him forever, the image of Steve lying in his arms looking so pale so…dead.  That was never going away.  
  
“I killed him Pep, I may as well have put that razor in his hands.”   
  
Pepper didn’t have to be a genius to know that the frilly panties on the lampshade did not belong to Steve. “He’s still alive Tony, and he needs you. You’re going to make this right.”   
  
She wanted to strangle Tony for making a mistake like that, but right now she had to be strong, not just for Tony but for both of them. Pepper had no doubt that if Steve didn’t make it… Tony wouldn’t be far behind. 


	11. It's morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face

**“Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction. Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry. That you pushed me into the coffee table last night - So I can push you off me, Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me…Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy”**  
  
When Steve’s friends showed up at the hospital, Tony was sure that Bucky was going to punch him.  
  
Natasha did instead.   
  
So here he sat in awkward silence holding ice on his now swollen eye. He knew he deserved this, how many times had Steve been in this exact position. How many times did they make up lies and cover bruises. That fact sat like a stone in his gut, rolling alone with the pounding in the side of his head. He did this..this is what he did to Steve every time he picked up a drink. Every time he lost control, every time he rose a hand in anger. This is exactly what he did.  
  
Bucky was glaring at him tapping a work boot clad foot on the hospital tile. A typhoon of barley contained rage in the other mans cold light eyes. Tony wouldn’t have blamed him if the man came over and killed him were he sat. He probably wouldn’t even fight back.   
  
“How did you not know…?” Barnes voice growled from across the room. “How did you not see how much he was hurting? Are you that Self-absorbed!”   
  
“Mr. Barnes I think that’s enough,” Pepper stood at Tony’s side, a steadfast shield that he did not deserve. “No one could have predicted this was going to happen.”  
  
Bucky snorted in reply, commenting under his breath, _“Yeah, cause living with an abusive asshole wasn’t a red flag.”_  
  
“I never meant for this to happen…”  
  
Pepper glared when Tony spoke up.   
  
“I didn’t…" he choked out the words because they had been clawing their way up for the last hour.  
  
That was all the invitation that Bucky needed, “What did you think was going to happen? That you could just keep breaking him down and nothing would change? That he would just lay down and take it? Just like everything else you do rich boy, you  just get everything you want!”   
  
“That’s enough!” Pepper stood up between the men, “WE all failed, I haven’t seen you try and intervene recently Mr. Barnes, and neither have I. Everyone dropped the ball on this and now we have to deal with it.”   
  
“Buck sit down.” Natasha, whom, had kept mostly silent since giving Tony a royal shiner, reached up tugging at her husband’s hand.   
  
The man went along with it because to be honest, Stark’s assistant had a point. Bucky had turned his back on Steve after his friend insisted on giving Stark a second chance. It weighted on him that maybe if he had just stayed around, been there for Steve –maybe they wouldn’t be here right now. He turned his back on his brother, for what? Buck was just as stubborn if not more so when it came to emotions and feelings. He spent half of his life so far looking out for Steve and yet this one time when Steve actually needed it.. he wasn't there.  
  
“I  think we all need a break.” Potts breathed, “Tony, come on I know you haven’t eaten and...”  
  
“I’m not leaving him.”  
  
“It wasn’t a question. Now get up before I call Happy and have him carry you out of here.” 

* * *

  
 It was a few hours later after Pepper had released him from a forced lunch and shower, Tony returned to the hospital. Rounding the corner out of the elevator he saw a Doctor heading out of Steve’s room.   
  
“Hey! Doc, I um that’s my… I’m here for Steve Rogers.” Tony spoke lamely rubbing the back of his head. Suddenly wishing Pepper was still here.   
  
“Are you family?”   
  
“I brought him in, I should be on his next of kin list. Tony Stark.”   
  
They doctor flipped open the chart scanning over the information before looking up, “Yes, Mr. Stark. If you will just follow me?”  The doctor gestured to the room he’s just exited.  
  
Tony felt his stomach drop, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face Steve, how could he look him in the eye knowing what he had done. What Steve had done because of it...? “..Is he?”

  
“He’s resting. We won’t disturb him.”   
  
Thank god for small favors.  
  
Tony followed the doctor into the room and it took all his might not to turn tail when he saw Steve. The younger man looked …dead. He was so small and frail, the low buzz of the dimmed florescent filled the room- accompaniment for the beeping of a heart monitor and...Oh god was that a respirator?   
  
He felt his mouth go dry as they approached, Tony griped the foot board of the hospital bed. “How is he?” It felt stupid crawling past his lips.   
  
“He came very close, we were able to close up the lacerations but Mr. Rogers lost a lot of blood. Combined with his pre-existing health issues, he’s very lucky.”  
  
Lucky… that was laughable. Steve would have been luckier if they had never met. If Tony had listened to Pepper that night at the party and just didn’t bother the kindly young man from the Art department.   
  
The doctor flipped through a few pages before looking up again. “According to Mr. Rogers file this isn’t the first time he had been admitted for a suicide attempt. Were you aware of that?”  
  
“What?” Tony felt ice water run through his veins. Steve had never mentioned…then again how does one broach that subject?  
  
Is _‘suicide attempts’_ subject matter for a third or fifth date? Would it have gone well over ice cream at the park, _‘oh and I studied at MIT, by the way Steve have you ever tried to kill yourself?’_  
  
“No, I...I didn’t know.”   
  
The doctor nodded closing the chart, “well it was a long time ago, as it is a sensitive subject most people don’t like to talk about. At any rate he will remain here on a mandatory psych watch after he wakes up. Your welcome to stay in the room, there are a few more hours left until visitation is over.”  
  
“Yeah  ...thanks.” Tony just felt numb, all this time... Steve had this inside of him and he never knew. Part of him wanted to say it would have made a difference. That it would have made him want to be a better man. However, Tony knew better than to keep lying to himself. This is where all that wishful thinking had gotten him.   
  
After the doctor left he sat down at Steve’s bedside, reaching out to take the pale too cool hand between his own. This was it, this was the last time he’d do this. He couldn’t keep going in circles like this because one day... one day there might be nothing left.

* * *

  
  
He felt cold. But his hand was warm. Where was he? Oh yeah… he was dead.   
  
But then, where was all that peace and tranquility he learned about at Mass? Maybe this was hell... no that wasn’t right eather because yeah while he did feel pain it wasn’t unbearable. In fact Steve would say he felt ok considering, then there was that warmth. That warm familiar feeling that made him want to peel open his eyes and look beyond the veil.   
  
Maybe he wasn’t dead?  
  
Something about that knowledge seemed to bother him, if he wasn’t dead then that meant Tony didn’t want him anymore. Didn’t love him- so what else was there? Bucky wouldn’t talk to him, not that the would blame him. Steve didn’t care about anything anymore, even his art had lost the joy it once held, and there was no escape in those pages. There was just one escape left.   
  
“Steve, Steve can you hear me? Please baby, I just. It was a mistake I never should have betrayed you like that. I …I don’t know how much you were hurting and I should have.”   
  
Tony. That was Tony, why was he here?  
  
“I messed up, no, I’m messed up. I shouldn’t have stopped the meds or the therapy. I should have stuck it out for you. Now ….now you’re, you could have…”   
  
His voice was all wrong, Tony didn’t sound like this, so remorseful choking on tears.   
  
“It’s my fault and know I can’t begin to ask you to forgive me, but I’m going to…I know I don’t deserve it but I want it. Please just wake up and smile for me baby, just wake up. You can call me an ass you can tell me to go hell. Anything, just...I need to know that I didn’t ruin the one good thing I ever had. I love you Steve.”  
  
Love. Tony loved him and he was sorry, but Tony said that before. His sorrys didn’t hold water now, they were words he could throw around as easily as those charming smiles.   
  
Tony…from R&D.   
  
Steve felt something, moister falling on his hand. Tony was crying, not just crying but sobbing. Horrible ugly sobs that Steve could tell the man was trying his hardest to contain. He wanted to believe that, he wanted to because even this… even this pain that squeezed his heart and begged him to run wasn’t enough to take him from Tony.   
  
Blue eyes fluttered open settling on a nest of messy brown hair. Steve flexed his finger around Tony’s hand causing the man to look up. Tony was a mess, but he was sober so maybe that was something.  
  
Tony smiled and it was a little broken but still kind, leaning in to push back Steve’s hair and kiss his forehead and then his cheek. “I’d say never scare me like that, but… maybe I needed to be scared. I know I’ve said it before Steve, but I mean it. This time I will get better, and I swear if I ever lay a hand on you again. It will be the last thing I ever do.” 


	12. Baby, without you, I'm nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I wish I could say there is a happy ending but, that’s not was the request was for. So for those of you who don’t want to be shattered this is the last ‘happy’ chapter. Just a heads up.

  
**“I'm so lost, hug me-Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me. Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the Destructive path that we're on. Two psychopaths but we know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs- That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky.”**  
  
  
Steve had to spend three days in the hospital and agree to see a therapist. Tony went back to his doctor as well. If Stark had learned anything through all this it was that his problems were not the only ones in the world.  Other people had hurts and baggage, other people had struggles and pain that they hid from the world.   
  
It hurt to know that all this time he’d been with Steve he never knew much about the younger man’s past. Maybe because he never asked. He just accepted whatever Steve told him and left it at that. To hung up on his own suffering to see that his partner was suffering.   
  
He couldn’t let that happen again. He loved Steve really loved him enough to know that he didn’t know how to love him right. Tony was determined to learn though, even if it meant his least favorite thing – opening up all his own faults and facing them.   
  
He wasn’t going to do it alone this time.   
  


* * *

  
  
Steve sat in the back of the room, he was surprised when Tony asked him to come because all the times before Tony never let him in. Never allowed to let anyone see him as anything less than poised and perfect.   
  
Stark walked up to the podium, despite all the press conferences and board meetings he’d been to this was, by far, the most stressful thing he’d ever had to do.   
  
“Hi, my name is Tony and… I’m an alcoholic.”   
  
The room greeted him and Tony looked to the back row a saw Steve smile at him. This was the right thing to do, the thing he had to do.  
  
“I haven’t had a drink in two weeks and...It’s hard but, this is something I have to do. Not just for the people I love but for myself. I spent a long time living in my father’s shadow but pretending that I wasn’t. I don’t want to be the kind of man he was, the kind of man that I became. I want more for my life and my future and the first step in that is to quit drinking.”  
  
There were claps and words of encouragement but there was only one face Tony was looking at, a face that mouthed the words “I’m so proud of you.”  
  


* * *

  
  
Just because they were both going home didn’t mean Steve had forgiven Tony, and Tony knew that. He took great lengths to let Steve know he wasn’t expecting to be forgiven right away.  Tony went so far as having a new mattress and bedroom set brought in having the entire master suite redesigned for Steve. He wanted a clean slate.   
  
Tony also moved all of his things into the guestroom.   
  
“I feel awful about putting you out of your bed, and you really didn’t have to change everything.” Steve said putting his clothes back in the closet.  It felt so much emptier lacking Tony’s suits   
  
“I broke your trust Steve, I know that. I did a lot of things that hurt you and I want to show you that this is as much your home as it is mine. I don’t want you to forgive me until you’re ready or accept me back into that bed until you want me there.”   
  
The words were so sincere, because for the first time Tony really was telling the truth. “Thank you, for all of this. I want you to know Tony that…that even if you hurt me. I never stopped loving you and I love you now I just…I guess like you said. I’m not ready to forgive you yet, but I’ll get there.”  
  
  
The days turned to weeks and Steve started working from home, he still wasn’t 100% and with the seasons changing his already weak immune system had taken a hit.  Tony was going to his meetings and therapy, a counselor was coming by the penthouse once a week to talk to Steve.   
  
When the first month came to a close Tony realized that he and Steve still hadn’t really talked about what happened or the knowledge that Tony had come to. They needed to have that conversation and he knew it would be easy.   
  
He asked Bruce what he thought, the doctor said he’d be happy to help or even call Steve’s therapist Dr.Foster and see if they could maybe facilitate a joint session to help Steve feel safe enough to share. Tony agreed said he would Ask Steve how he felt about it.   
  
That night they were sitting on the couch and Steve... for the first time in months scooted closer and lay his head on Tony’s shoulder. The billionaire held his breath for a moment before draping his arm around Steve, it felt like getting a gift he knew he shouldn’t open till Christmas but getting to unwrap it early.   
  
“Steve, there’s something I wanted to ask, that I think we should talk about.”  
  
“I was wondering when you would bring it up.” Steve said looking down at his now covered arms, the scars hadn’t healed well and Steve would never again feel comfortable in short sleeves.   
  
“You don’t have to tell me now but, Bruce said if you wanted he could call Foster and maybe set something up if you wanted. They could both be here and whatever you feel comfortable about saying or not saying.” Tony tread lightly into these waters, he remembered how hard it was when he finally told Steve about Howard. How his dad beat his mother and him. How he cried and begged Steve to forgive him for becoming such a monster. The way Steve wiped away his tears as Tony fell to his knees right there in the kitchen, just holding onto Steve's waist and crying. It was so visceral to let it all out, and it helped Steve understand.   
  
Steve curled up into his lap, plastering himself as close to Tony as he could because he wanted that right now. He wanted to forget about the bad things and just let it all go, to do that though he needed to come clean with Tony. He already talked it out with Dr. Foster, Jane – she was very sweet and understanding. He liked her a lot.   
  
“I don’t need them here, unless you think it would be better. I’d rather just have it be you and me.”  
  
Tony wrapped his arms around Steve, this felt like home. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he was helping Steve and being the kind of partner he should have been from the start.  “When ever you’re ready I’m here.” he said kissing the top of the blonds head. 

Steve pressed his nose into Tony’s collar, this was what he remembered. This was the man he meet the man he fell in love with, the man he still loved. “Take me to bed Tony.” Leaning up he took the billionaires face in his hands. “Our bed, I want you to hold me… because that’s what I need right now.”   
  
Carrying Steve to bed felt like a dream, even though Tony knew that this wasn’t ‘that’ kind of dream. It was the fact that he was invited back. That he could do this for Steve.   
  
They slid under the blankets and curled up together, Steve taking shelter against Tony’s chest - just laying there and listening to the older mans heartbeat. Finally he spoke.  
“When I was a kid my ma told me that my dad died before I was born. She lied. I remember - one of the first things I remember actually, she was on the phone with someone and she said… _“Grant… He’s your son and he’s sick; even if you don’t love me… don’t punish him.”_ Later I found out that my real father had been sending her money or had been up until then. After that, we had to move because my ma couldn’t afford where we were and my medical bills. That’s when we moved to Brooklyn and I met Bucky.  My ma had to work during the day so when I got home from school our neighbor would watch me. Her name was Ms. Ishida, she was really nice but… she always seemed kind of sad.” Steve paused and shivered. Tony wrapped him up tighter.  
   
“One day when I came home Ms. Ishida’s door was open so I let myself in; I was maybe eight at the time. I looked for her and I noticed a shadow on the wall like someone was standing on the fire escape. However, it was too tall for a person and the proportions were all wrong because the person would have had to have such long legs. I remember being scared thinking there was a monster but then I wanted to be brave.. so I went and pulled back the curtain.  Ms. Ishida had hung her self, gone out on the fire escape, used a belt to attach it to the landing above, and stood on the railing. She was just…dangling there with only one shoe on and her skirt was ruffling in the breeze. I thought… I should put her other shoe back on, I don’t know why that was the first thing I thought.”   
  
“Baby I’m sorry you had to see that.” Tony whispered running his hands over Steve’s chest.   
  
For a while, the younger man did not say anything just stared up at the ceiling. “Up until then I thought people died because they were old or sick. On the rare occasion, maybe there was an accident but… I guess I never thought you could just chose to die. The more I thought about it, I thought - I’m probably going to die in some hospital alone and scared, I didn’t want that.  I don’t think I really understood then what I was thinking. Not until later, when I was a teenager and my ma got sick. When she died no…when I watched her die. The way the cancer just ate her away to nothing. I couldn’t handle it.  I tried though, I put on a brave face for everyone especially Bucky because he was going away to basic training. I was going to art school, after a while I really believed that maybe I would be ok.  I wasn’t ok though…”   
  
Tony kissed him and told him he loved him, told him that if he ever felt. ‘Not ok’ to tell him.   
  
“It happened my first year, I had no friends and my roommate was weird. Loki, he turned out to be a great person despite all his quirks.  He was always in and out at all hours so I was alone in the dorm a lot. It wasn’t as with most schools, it was a building the school owned with loft spaces. There were three of us living in the apartment. Myself, Loki, and a girl that was in and out. I’m not even sure if she lived there all the time or if Loki had his own private harem down stairs.”  
  
“Sounds fun.”  
  
“Tony…”  
  
“What no…not fun 0 fun had with loads of naked co-eds?”   
  
Steve smiled; leave it to Tony to make a joke. “Point is, at anytime I could be alone for hours. I just… I had tried and my asthma was terrible from some of the heavier chemicals in the studios. Spray paints were not my friend, I felt like crap all the time. I just thought- Why keep trying? Who would really notice if I just disappeared, Bucky was off being a soldier. Something I envied to be honest, and here I was - wasting away, even my work was sub par. I just couldn’t think of anything when I closed my eyes. Nothing but …blank space. I just wanted there to be nothing left, so I waited until the apartment was empty one day. I knew Loki kept ‘bottles of inspiration’ as he called them. Uppers, so I popped a handful and washed them down with some cheap fruity flavored vodka. I Thought… I’d just go to sleep and that would be it. I’d just float away.”   
  
Tony wanted to shake him, to shake him, be angry, and cry. How could Steve think he wasn’t wanted? Then Stark's mind supplied the answer - _‘because look what you did.’_ Instead, he tugged the blankets closer and did everything he could to make Steve feel sheltered in that moment. He could feel the slender frame tremble with each word.   
  
“Loki found me, I was having some kind of seizure from the overdose and he called an ambulance. When I came home, there weren’t any more drugs or booze in the apartment. We didn’t talk about it, and he didn’t leave me alone anymore. To this day I don’t know if it was because he cared or if the thought of someone dieing in his room just freaked him out.”  
  
“I’m glad he found you, I’m glad Steve because then I would have never known you. I would have never loved you.”   
  
“Tony…”  
  
Steve looked up at him with those blue eyes shining, looking so lost. He could never deny him.  
  
“What is it sweetheart, tell me what you need.”   
  
Cool hands with long fingers slid up the engineer’s tank top, “make love to me. I miss you so much, I just… I need to feel you I need. I need to feel something right now. I…I’m not okay.” 

* * *

  
They fit together like puzzle pieces, it wasn’t full of passion or heat like it had been in the past. This was slow and there were tears and kisses. Softly spoken promises, and gentle hands, Tony felt like he was being baptized in this love. Maybe they both were. Maybe they could leave all that pain behind now.   
  
  



	13. Together, we move mountains

**“let's not make mountains out of molehills, you hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?**  
 **I may have hit you three times; I'm startin' to lose count - But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain”**  
  
The last year had been a lot of work, but it was worth it. Looking back now Steve felt like they had been through the ringer, but now things were looking up. A trail by fire of sorts. Still, all the pain had led them to this. These wonderful places were they could smile, talk, understand and love.   
  
This glass house that set at the edge of an abyss, but the foundation was becoming more and more solid. Everyday of sobriety meant another day to the life they could have and should have.   
  
Steve watched Tony from the corner of his eye as the inventor fixed his bow tie, tonight was a Stark Industry Gala. A very special one actually, it was the spring gala for employees. The very same one that he and Tony first met.  In a way it was like their anniversary, the two of them exchanged smiles all morning in preparation and sweet words between tasks.   
  
It seemed like a distant memory, nearly four years ago, so many of these fancy parties had come and gone in between. Ones where Steve sat pensively at well-dressed tables - his fingers pinching at the corners of napkins as he wondered what would happen when they arrived home. Tonight would be different, Steve told himself as he pulled the Windsor knot of his own tie.    
  
Tonight would be different. 

* * *

  
  
They lost sight of each other somewhere through the festivities. Steve pulled one way and Tony another, it's how these things usually went only now something felt different. The younger man began to feel an inkling of worry. Glancing through a sea of bodies for that familiar groomed facial hair. Steve caught a glimpse of Tony and did not like what he saw.   
  
There were a few older executives surrounding him and Tony had that fake smile he put on when his nerves were on edge. One of the men pulled a glass of champagne from a serving tray and pushed it at Tony. His brown eyes leveled on the glass as though it were a live grenade.   
  
_‘Please don’t.’_ Steve held his breath. _‘Please don’t’_    
  
Tony had been sober for so long now, _‘please don’t’_ , he watched him lick his lips and look around at the other men. They had their glasses raised and Tony clinked his. The others drank and Tony… he was floundering.   
  
Steve tried to push his way through the crowd, _‘please don’t’_   He needed to stop this, to pull his lover out of this murky abyss before it swallowed him whole.   
  
“Come on Stark, just a little bubbly. Your father would have called it a woman’s drink.” one of them said.   
  
_No…_  
  
Just like that, Tony blanched and his jaw set, knocking back the glass like water. “Well, can’t disappoint the old man now can we?”   
  
_No…_  
  
Steve felt like he was drifting away in a storm, watching the land get smaller and smaller. Part of his brain said, “It’s just champagne.” but it wasn’t, that’s not what it was. That empty glass was a domino.   
  
He couldn’t watch it, the slow decent into relapse. Steve felt angry, how could Tony throw this all way. He was throwing it away because he saw the man belly up to the bar with the older men all laughing and drinking. Those people didn’t care about Tony, they knew his father…they liked the Tony that was just like Howard. That’s whom they wanted. None of those men gave a damn about Tony, they saw his name and dollar signs. They wanted a memory of a man they used to know, but the fact was they didn't know Howard Stark that well. Howard's contacts saw what they wanted to see.   
  
They didn't know the man who beat Tony and his mother, the man who torments a child. The man who crippled his son with a legacy of addiction and rage.   
  
“Excuse me…” Steve muttered pushing his way to the elevator. “Jarvis I want to go home…” The Ai opened the doors granting Rogers entry. Once they closed, Steve sank to the floor.   
  
“Shall I begin safety protocol Steven?” the Ai asked.   
  
That was another new addition; Tony had programmed special safety features into the penthouse. One’s that would protect Steve…even from him.   
  
“No not yet, we’ll see when he comes home.” 

* * *

  
  
He couldn’t find Steve, Pepper just glared at him and told him to go home and ‘sleep it off’ he had tried to kiss her and got a slap for his trouble.  This wouldn’t have happened if Steve had been there.   
  
**That little shit abandoned him to those vultures.**   
  
Tony stumbled out into the penthouse his vision dark and swimming. “STEVE! Steve get the FUCK out here!”   
  
The blonde appeared in the hallway, arms crossed over his thin bare chest. “Sleep on the couch you’re drunk.”   
  
“Hell I’m not… Now get over here.”   
  
“I’m not a dog Stark, you don’t tell me to ‘come here’.”   
  
Tony’s face twisted up, “Uppity little bitch… You left me! Now you won’t even help me?”   
  
“I was helping you Tony; you just don’t wanna help yourself! Was it worth it? Those dusty old bastards approval? Was it worth every glass of fucking scotch?” Steve shouted walking into the living room, he should have stayed back.   
  
Before he could move back, Tony’s hand shot out and grabbed his arm.   
  
It happened fast, faster than it ever had all the times before when Tony lost his temper in a drunken haze.   
  
“JARVIS!” Steve howled as he felt the snap in his forearm from the twisting force.  The punches kept raining down as Tony pinned him to the floor.   
  
Alarms blared Steve screamed and begged.   
  
“STOP TONY! TONY! STOP!”   
  
It was like lighting flashing behind his eyes with each crack to his skull.   
  
**Stop**   
  
He was choking on the blood that ran backward down his throat from his nose.  
  
 **Stop**  
  
The elevator doors flew open as Happy ran in; Pepper was with him she had something in her hand. Steve couldn’t see it thought because he was fading. His chest hurt so badly and the pain form his arm was like nothing he’d ever felt. His hearing was going, like being underwater, people were shouting, so much shouting. 

* * *

  
Pepper raised the stun gun and Happy tried to manhandle Tony. It was taking to long... and so with no remorse; she fired- catching Tony in the shoulder. He’d signed papers giving her the right to use ‘force’ to restrain him. If there was a slight twinge of satisfaction watching him twitch on the floor that was a perk.   
  
Happy pulled Tony away and started checking Steve over, “We need an ambulance. Steve, hey buddy open your eyes for me. Come on.”  
  
“Is he…oh god Hap tell me he’s not..”   
  
She couldn’t save Tony if this was as bad as it looked, and it looked bad. Steve’s arm was bent at an angle and his face was a mess of blood. The slender young man was so still there on the blood stained carpet. It looked so bad.  
  
“He’s in shock, probably a concussion. Nose,cheek bone ..maybe, arm, maybe a few broken ribs. He’s ok Pep.” Thank God for Happy, sometimes she wondered why she didn’t take him up on his dinner date offers. Maybe she’d take him up on it after this. 

* * *

  
Tony woke up wearing handcuffs, which was never good. It was worse of course because he knew the moment he laid eyes on Happy sitting across from him with two steaming cups of coffee. This was part of the ‘security protocol’. They had run through it once to be sure it would be affective. Tony knew what it meant and it broke him.    
  
“..how bad?” he said, mouth feeling like sand paper. The sour taste that follows a hangover, he hoped Steve would come out and cuss him out for being a drunk. Maybe he’d be sleeping on the sofa for a day or …month. Month was more likely. He couldn’t remember anything.  
  
There was a time Tony could binge drink for days in his youth and come out on the other side clear as a bell. He was getting too old for this shit.   
  
“Bad. Tony, real bad.”   
  
There wasn’t any smashed furniture though, so..oh god. Tony’s eyes fell on the bloody patch of carpet. “Where’s Steve?”   
  
Happy just looked away, that man hated giving bad news.   
  
“Happy. Where is Steve.”  
  
His long time friend and driver looked down, his face wearing a look of disappointment and disgust. “He’s in bad shape, he’ll be alright but... damn it Tony… You broke his arm, nose, and cheekbone. He’s got bruised ribs, which are playing havoc with the kids breathing problems.  He was out for Five hours, he doesn’t even know what happened.”   
  
Tony wanted to crawl in whole, “un cuff me I gatta..”  
  
“No, nope. You’re not going to the hospital, you made us promise remember. I’ll uncuff you but Jarvis is under order not to let you call any one to drive you  and not to open the garage for you. You’re going to rehab, I’ll give you an hour to clean up then I’m coming to get you.” Happy said. Walking over and unclasping the cuffs, “That was the deal, you tried it on your own and it worked for a while but it’s not enough. You need professionals Tony.” A good-natured pat on the shoulder followed before Hogan left.   
  
That was the deal, Tony swore it would never come to that though. He promised Steve, but Tony Stark breaks his promises. They all knew that, so there was a  contingency plan.   
  
Tony sat alone on the floor rubbing his wrists and looking over at the blood soaked carpet. He broke Steve’s arm.  He leaned forward, head in hands. “This is never going to end…I can’t let this ever happen again… I have to protect Steve, I have to.” 


	14. Our love is crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS - Suicide

**“We’re nuts, but I refused counseling. This house is too huge; if you move out, I'll burn all two thousand square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it. With you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you, I'm out it”**  
  
Steve sat in the hospital bed, he didn't want to meet  Bucky's eye but he had to; his friend was giving him that look again. The one that was a cross between pity and anger.   
  
“I know Buck. Go ahead say ‘I told you so.”  
  
James looked down at the floor then back up, shaking his head. “I wasn’t gonna say that. I just want to know if this is it. I know you love him Steve, and Tony is a great guy when he’s sober… but tell me this is it. Tell me you’re done waiting around for him to kill you.”  
  
“Tony would never…”  
  
Bucky held up a hand, “I know ‘he’ would never, but Tony isn’t himself when is drunk now is he?”  
  
Barnes was right, that man that shouted at Steve and hurt him… That wasn’t Tony. That monster wore his lover’s skin. A demon they couldn’t exercise, even when Pepper promised him they would be taking Tony to rehab today - Steve knew in his heart that wasn’t going to happen.  Something that clenched in his chest and stabbed him in the worst way.  Something broke inside him and he didn’t know how to fix it.   
  
“I’ll always love him… I just wanted to save him. I can’t save him though can I?”  Steve choked back his sobs, clutching the hospital blanket in his good hand.  He was losing Tony… he could feel it.  
  
“No kiddo, you can’t.”

* * *

  
  
 **….Just gunna stand there and watch me burn….**  
  
Tony stood over the ruined carpet, his mind making shapes out of the muddle blood smear.   
  
He remembered once when he was a kid, Howard threw a bottle at him. It was a half-empty Dalmore. The glass shattered against his back and the whiskey inside burned like fire. Tony still had the scars as faded as they had become over the many years. He remembered how much it bled, he was only nine and he was sure he was going to bleed to death right there in his fathers study.   
  
Jarvis, the real Jarvis, had come and picked him up off of the floor. Hugged him and told him to count to 100.  The whole time Jarvis held him and pulled out the glass. He rubbed his hair and told him how brave he was and that he was going to be ok.   
  
Maria should have been the one to comfort him, but instead she just gave him that dead eyed look of sorrow and went to take care of Howard.   
  
It occurred to Tony, he did love his mother but he didn’t love what she had become. He used to think what she was for his father was perfect. She never left; she never complained… she never smiled either. Not the real kind of smiles anyway.   
  
He was turning Steve into that, even if he tried to stop, that might not be undone.   
  
Tony thought of his child self-standing there in a puddle of blood, only instead of his mother in her perfect sleek gown and perfect make up - he saw Steve. He saw those stormy eyes fade to gray.   
  
“I won’t hurt him again… and I won’t make him stay, he can’t stay …”   
  
**… That’s all right because I like the way it hurts…**

* * *

  
  
Pepper sat in her office looking over the photos on her desk.  All those smiling faces captured in celluloid - perfect facades that only captured what the subjects wanted.  She held up a photo of Steve and Tony at Christmas. She remembered helping Steve trim the tree in the penthouse, Tony had offered to get a service to decorate but the young artist refused.   
  
The pictured featured the two men laughing like children on the sofa. Tony had a Santa hat on his head and had pulled Steve into his lap.  She thought they were too cute and snapped the photo for her desk.  There was one next to it of Tony and Rhodey. It was one summer when he invited her and Rhodes out to Malibu for a weekend.  It was one of the two of them on the beach she remembered this because not ten minuets later Tony had stolen her bikini top and Jim chased the fool to ‘defend her honor’.  
  
“We all knew, we could have helped you then.”  She whispered feeling a chill run up her back. “We’ll do it right this time Tony. I promise.”   
  
Something felt empty in those words as she said them, something she couldn’t put her finger on. Something just … wasn’t right.

* * *

  
  
 **..Just gunna stand there and hear me cry ….**  
  
Tony walked down to the workshop, entering it for the last time. He looked around at his life’s work - not too bad really. If only he had done a bit more work on himself than his gadgets. There wasn’t time for that now.   
  
“Jarvis, initiate shutdown protocol.”  
  
“Sir I..”  
  
“Do it J, Commence Shut down. You will reboot in 72 hours with Pepper Potts and Steven Rogers as primary users.”  
  
There was an eerie silence as the lights began to go out around the lab, the bots powered down and only one control panel was left glowing blue. The Ai’s voice seemed.. Sad, “May I say Sir, it has been an honor serving you.”   
  
“Thanks J, right back at ya buddy. Sleep well.”   
  
The console went dark and Tony was alone, truly alone for the first time in decades. It was better this way, everything would be better.   
  
Tony walked over to an old roll top desk in the corner. The old piece always seemed out of place to anyone who didn’t know Tony. The desk had been Howard’s, despite how he felt about the man there were still a few memories, as faded and distant as they were.  He opened the desk and reached through a stack of papers to find an old cigar box.    
  
Cracking the lid, he found the few things he kept before selling the old Stark Mansion. His mothers locket, inside was a picture of him, and one of Howard. She said the old man had given it to her a week after they first met. It was a simple thing, not like the gaudy diamond earrings or pearls she often wore to her parties. Just a simple gold oval with an engraving of a spider lily on the front. It was tarnished and had little marks on the bottom where Tony had teethed on it as a baby. Tony hadn’t looked at in years and seeing it now brought back why as tears clouded his eyes.   
  
He set the locket a side and pulled out an old photo. It was hazy little Kodak  with the decorative edges, they didn’t make them like that anymore. On it was a picture of his Father holding him, they were in the garage at the old house - Tony was maybe three and Howard was grinning holding the little boy like a prized gem.   
  
“I wish you could have stayed like that, but you didn’t… I wonder now if someone did this to you the way you did it to me. You stop trying though, at least I tried. Maybe you didn’t try because you knew it wouldn’t work. Always ahead of the game.”  Tony said biting back bitter tears. He set the photo aside and looked to the only other thing he had of his fathers.   
  
A gun.

* * *

  
  
 **….Well that’s all right because….**  
  
Tony  took out his phone and started the camera. He wiped his face before facing the lens and pressing record.   
  
“Hey,  Steve… baby .  I know that, this might make me a coward but, I just want you to be free. I know that I won’t stop, because I can’t. This is something so ingrained into who I am I don’t think I can run from it. -  
  
 I’ve tried. ...-  
  
We tried, I just want you to know that it’s ok now. I’m ok now. Most importantly, none of this is your fault. You have been the best thing in my life and I never thought I could be loved and love someone in return until I met you.  At first I didn’t want to love you, but you..” Tony smiled licking his lips.   
  
“You’re a brat,  you just crawled right in my heart and took up all the space. I want you to know that I want you to be happy. I want you to be loved by someone who is deserving and kind. Someone who can treat you the way you should be treated. I’m so sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you.  I know you love me, I know that and …I thank you so much for that because I know it hasn’t been easy. -  
  
Goodbye Steve.  I love you so much, so very much.” 

* * *

  
Tony composed himself pressing the send button, the video would show up when Jarvis rebooted.  He pressed record once more and fixed the camera with a serious gaze.   
  
“Hey Pep.   
  
I’m sorry about ..Leaving like this. I’m always making more work for you aren’t I ? Could you. Do me a favor though? Give Hap a chance?”  His smile as a little watery,   
  
“Seriously I will haunt you if you don’t. Oh and ..Take care of Steve, make sure he’s ok. Tell Rhodey I’m sorry, I’d do it myself but you know my honey bear cries at Disney flicks and this would be to much for his soggy little heart. Anyway, the company’s yours.. You always ran it better than me anyway. Try not to cry to hard for your old boss though ok? Smile for me will ya Virginia?”  
  
“That’s my girl…I do love you,  bye Pepper.” 

* * *

  
  
That was his legacy, the curtain was closing and he was.. Ok. For the first time in a long time, it felt ok. This was the end.   
  
Anthony Stark Ladies and Gentleman   
  
Tony took a deep breath and put the muzzle to his chest.. Ok so maybe he was too vain to shoot himself in the head, he wanted the world to get at least one last good close up.   
  
Then… he pulled the trigger.

* * *

  
  
**….I love the way you lie…**   
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> PSA time! : If you know anyone in an abusive relationship or you find yourself in a relationship in which you feel unsafe, there is help out there. You are worth more than your abuser wants you to believe. Every person deserves to be treated with respect and care. There is no excuse for a man or woman to lay there hands in a threatening manner on their partner. Tell a friend, family member, school counselor, or safety official. Protect yourself because you are priceless.


End file.
